walking away

The last year has been a hard one for me.  There has been a feeling of betrayal, confusion and pain.  Through it I have struggled in my 'walk with God.'

Recently, I've been thinking...
If you walk away from church, does that mean you're walking away from God?  Now, I know that some folks will resoundingly say 'YES!' from the top of their lungs.

But, what if the 'church' walked away from you first?
Does that change anything?  What if, a group of people you've loved, worshiped with, and committed to just decided that you weren't what they wanted anymore and cut their ties?  Of course, it would be in a loving, sweet worded manner.  There would be lots of proper things said, but the message was still clear enough, you're not accepted as you are.

Then what?

Lessons from the garden... tomatoes

We started a winter garden last year.  Well, okay, Shawn started the garden, but I did take some pics!  heehee.  It gave us some fantastic veggies... snow peas, lettuce, purple beans, carrots, silver beet, beetroot, to name a few (the ones I remember).  Then Shawn replanted for summer and we had some delicious tomatoes and capsicum (aka green peppers).

At first we were very good at keeping it watered and weeded.  I visited it every morning to give it a pep-talk and watch the baby lizards scurry away at my foot steps.  But after a while other things got in the way.
(and that's a totally different point...)

If you were to look at our garden this week, you'd actually ask... "What garden?!?"  It's quite overrun and jungle-like.  It doesn't resemble much of what it was created for.  There's grass and weeds overtaking the area.

 But here's the beautiful thing... I went out the other day and discovered some tomatoes growing.  Even amidst the neglect and garden sadness, there was something able to grow and fulfill it's purpose.  Some plants produced a bowlful of fruit.  :-)  Plump and round and red. 

I like that.  It gives me hope.
Sometimes life gets messy, or isn't orderly the way we'd anticipated.  But, in the middle of that, something can still grow and thrive.

Thanks, tomatoes.

Uncontainable Joy...

So, what about.... mercy, new birth (good to think about in a new year), times of suffering mean being refined, God's love, salvation...  those are all things to ponder in this section.  Without a doubt.  and there's so much more as well... layers and layers...  (at least to me, but truly, i'm no Biblical scholar)

Here's what struck me...  a sandwiching of praise, rejoicing, and joy.  These verses begin with "praise", you find "rejoice" in the middle, and at the ending there's "joy". 

And all I could think was, "Where's mine?" 
What happened to my desire to praise?  Why am I not rejoicing more?  And joy? I don't feel full of joy, let alone the "enexpressible and glorious joy".   Why not??

Now, those might seem odd to focus on.  We all know that life does not bring constant joy.  Heck, life's not even fair, so how could i think there should be joy?  But I have been there, I have felt that way.  So, what's happened with me?

When I looked closer, I found that I'm missing something... I haven't been making the choice... here's what i'd been forgetting... praise for God's great mercy... rejoice in an inheritance that never fades... filled with an inexperssible and glorious joy because I love him and receive the goal of my faith... 

I didn't misplace my joy... I simply lost focus. 
If I focus on God's mercy, my inheritance, and love... I know I will find joy beyond measure. 

Where's mine?  
... i guess it's always been here, I've just been looking in the wrong direction.
That's what I found in 1 Peter 1:3-9...  what about you?
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roller coaster

Darian, Brenna, and Aunt Jane at the beginning of a great day at Cedar Point for a HalloWeekend in October of '07.

I love ridin' roller coasters! In fact, one of my favorite summertime destinations is Cedar Point, "America's Roller Coast" in Sandusky, OH. Tons of rollercoasters, yummy park food, and great memories.

But lately, I've been on a different sort of roller coaster. Still lots of ups and downs, often in rapid succession, but not nearly the fun. Though sometimes I do get that queazy feeling in my stomach.

Adusting to a move can be hard. I had no idea how challenging it would be to add culture shock into that mix. It seems silly that we could experience culture shock in a country that so similar to our own. But it's definitely had it's shocking times. I think that it just might be more frustrating because we should understand the language and so many other things. But truly, it is a different country. Not only do they use some confusing words (or words in confusing ways), but there's also a difference in values and customs, things you can't see or touch.

While I ride this roller coaster, I'm trying to stay connected and share what's going on. Sometimes, that doesn't seem to work. Hopefully that will change, I'd like to bring you all along this journey.

It's been a while....

Sadly, I've been too quiet recently. I've discovered that it's difficult for me to want to share what's going on, what I've been processing when it's not all sunshine and roses.

The past couple months have been a crazy time of adjustment. Some obvious adjustments like moving, jet-lag, driving on the other side of the road, and using the metric systems. Others are not so expected, redefining roles, understanding different lingo (yes, even in an English speaking country), struggling with expectations and reality.

I've been told what I'm going through (as well as the rest of the family) is "normal", but it doesn't make it any easier. Some days, I question my intellegence, since it surely shouldn't take so long to accomplish a menial, common task. (that surely I could do in my sleep in the states).

My goal is to me more "vocal" here, sharing not only daily events and pics, but also some interal struggles and crazy moments. We'll see how that goes.

blessings.

The family after our first "footie" (rugby) game. I had a blast! (don't think the kids were too impressed. maybe next time)

A day at Bombo Beach in the middle of winter. It was an unseasonably warm winter day, so we went exploring. Brenna asks every day if we can go to the beach. This day we let them get totally soaked! They laughed and played it the freezing (to me) cold water. Good times.

Everybody working together to assemble Darian's bed. It was a great moment to sleep on our own beds in our own (rented) place. Although it was more work than I expected to get settled. But it's good to be on that journey. At this point, we still don't have our shipment from the states (it was shipped out in early April, i think)

A day with the family on the rocky shore on Shellharbour. It was a cooler winter day and the waves were lovely to watch coming in. God's creation is amazing to observe. I'm often aware of it here. For I while I watched Shawn and Brenna out on the edge. Very cool.

feelings...

i have never been on such a rollercoater of emotions before. it's gone beyond 'good days' and 'bad days'.... it's more moment to moment... from full-on excitement to heart-ache.

now, i admit to being emotional. but this is something else completely.

and 'rollercoaster' isn't even a good analogy... sure there's ups and downs, but it has a definite end (2 minutes and 32 seconds for the Gemini) AND you often want to go back and do it again. No, we're not talkin' 'rollercoaster' here.... it's more like... well, being stranded in the middle of the ocean on a raft with heavy waves... some that could knock you over... and now, it feels like my raft has sprung a leak...

those 'things' that you say to help you through, just don't seem to be enough. knowing that others are struggling w/ deeper, more serious stuff, doesn't seem to help right now.

well, i'll just wait a moment... maybe this feeling will change soon.